Pastor's Corner 19 Aug 2007 12:57 pm
Does forgiveness necessitate trust?
Poor Tony the simple churches guy. Last night, he had to listen to me rant about my anger and disillusionment with the NC Quaker community. This is a complaint he hears from me all the time—albeit in different forms. But the underlying point is always the same: I am mad at certain people for the way they think and behave, and because of that I refuse to participate in any activities that involve these folks. And worse, I don’t support his efforts to communicate with these people, nor do I believe his work will make a difference. It’s not that I don’t believe in him—it’s that I don’t believe in them.
Well, I know there is a glaring inconsistency here—that I preach reconciliation and love and do not appear to be heeding my own advice. But allow me to explain my grouchiness. It’s not that I hate these folks—I don’t. The real problem is that I’m afraid of them. See, the last time I was in their midst, even in their good graces, I offended them by going my own way. I felt that I had to go in a direction that was consistent with God’s leadings—this in the form of how Hillel does “church”, the side I was taking with certain issues, and even the way I presented myself as a Pastor. I told Tony the simple churches guy that I had to unplug from the larger Quaker institution in order to realize myself. But, this hasn’t sat well with certain above-mentioned people, and it’s made me unpopular—I’ve been criticized, humiliated, and judged for this move. And because of that, I am afraid to be around them—I don’t want to be “spat at”, so to speak. Therefore I avoid them.
I realize this is probably an immature way to handle this problem. But the wisdom, grace, and patience exhibited by Tony the simple churches guy and others (like Max the Quaker guy), is something, I suspect, that comes with age. I am simply too young, I think, to know how to act the way they do. So instead I act like a close-minded hot head. It’s hard for me to forget things (Temple Grandin, the famous autistic scientist, says autistic people have a very long memory when it comes to trauma), and even harder to let things go. But I honestly believe I have forgiven them for their actions—but as I know they haven’t changed their ways, I am not ready, at least at this time, to put myself in their harmful path again. Perhaps this really comes down to trust. I don’t trust them, but really, does forgiveness necessitate trust? I just don’t know…
on 21 Sep 2007 at 8:11 am 1.Katherine said …
Hi pastor! I have been struggling with similar things lately…and I wanted to share this thought that’s been helpful to me. As humans, we are always projecting onto each other–when I have been judged unfairly (and this happened to me in the church, too), I think part of forgiveness is in realizing that those people were projecting onto me what they didn’t like/feared/didn’t understand/didn’t know yet in themselves–but the projections really didn’t touch *me*, the loving, creative being who is free to be as God created me. Part of my ministry then comes in loving and honoring that me, and forgiving them their projections (with God’s help). And I know that when I react strongly against another, I’ve got some of my own projection going on…so I pray for the light to see it as God would have me see it, and usually a sense of peace comes (sometimes immediately, sometimes not). I’m still working with this idea, but it’s been helpful to me after many years of feeling wounded by the church (I’m a Quaker now, but I experienced the hurt that was haunting me many years ago before I found Friends…) Blessings and thanks to you for being a voice in the wilderness!