There was another blog in this place—something that seemed benign at the time that I wrote it.  But as the week went by I began to worry that some readers might misinterpret what I was saying.  So, in case you read what was here before—let me clarify myself.  I wrote that I contemplated suicide almost weekly.  What I meant is that suicide is always on the horizon for me.  I don’t plan to kill myself—that involves a lot more detail than a passing consideration of dying.  I suspect that thoughts of suicide loom on the horizon of many people who live with a mental illness.  So I wanted to “clean up” what I’d posted previously.  And to sum up what was originally here—I was simply thinking on “paper” as I generally do, this time about what I am missing in my life.  I realized that I am missing fellowship with others who have a mental illness.  I need to be with others who know exactly how I’m feeling, how I struggle, and what I fear.  In case you’re wondering, I did find a support group—I start this week.

I’m uncomfortable.  Squeamish even—about some things that Christians sing and say about God.  Let me back track a little.  I’m off much of the Christian music that I used to listen to.  I’m definitely off KLOVE, the radio station that seems to be playing in many cars with Christian drivers.  But here’s why: much of the mainstream music in Christianity is about “me”.  What God did for me.  How much God loves me.  How he knew me before I was even born.  What is so interesting about all of this is that God actually loves us.  Christ died not for me, but us.  His purpose is to reunite with his whole creation—not just one tiny part of it.  I was in a traditional church service the other day, and as the congregation sang a song about how wonderful God is to me, I couldn’t help but think that those folks may have been standing next to one another, in community, but they were really focusing on themselves.  Very strange.What is also strange is how some Christians describe God.  My “favorite” is the following: “I want to be God’s hands and feet”.  I know what that means—the person desires to do God’s work in the world.  But think about it.  His hands and feet?  Are we not putting God into a box, and worse, possibly suggesting that God needs us to do his work in his world?  I don’t think he does.  He’s so much bigger than all of this, so I really doubt he’s sitting around saying “if April would just be my hands and feet her community would be at peace”.  Instead, we should strive to live how God wants us to and leave the rest to him.  If our focus were on God changing us, instead of how we can change the world under the auspices of God’s body parts, the world really would change.