Pastor's Corner 26 Jul 2006 07:27 am
What is a pastor?
Ministry is hard. Even if no one has ever put unreasonable expectations upon me, I have put them on myself. To me, a pastor shouldn’t suffer from a mental illness, constantly question their call to ministry, use colorful language, act like a complete jackass, have a major crush on a someone they’re not married to, smoke cigarettes when they are stressed, have an unimpressive prayer life—basically, a pastor shouldn’t act like me. I look at myself and see no way to lead others. Many days, my congregation leads me. And while I am okay with that to an extent, I’m not sure they are or even should be.
What am I to do? I love the people that I serve. I really want to be a better person, but it’s just so damn hard. As Donald Miller points out, “Six billion people live in this world, and I can only muster thoughts for one. Me… I wondered what it would be like not to live in a house of mirrors, everywhere I go being reminded of myself… I wanted to be over this, done with this.” And I really do—I want to be a better person already. You may be wondering if I have brought any of this to God. The answer is yes. And no. I’ve brought some of it—you know, the stuff that I figure will require something easy on my part. But other things, well, I’m not ready or willing to give those over yet. I don’t want to hear God say that there isn’t an easy way out. I don’t want to hear him say that I won’t be happy (although I’m not any way), and that the answer doesn’t involve what I want.
I am so frustrated. I am tired of feeling like the only spiritual person who doesn’t get it. I am tired of the holier-than-thou religious culture that crushes those who can’t ‘get with the program’. But maybe there is hope. Donald Miller writes that “…when I think soberly about my faith, about the general precepts that indicate we are flawed, [I realize that] all of us are flawed, the corrupt politician and the pious Sunday School teacher.” No, I am not taking comfort in realizing we are all flawed, but I am taking comfort in realizing that we are all struggling to be better—or at least, should be.
on 27 Jul 2006 at 7:14 pm 1.jen whitlock said …
April, I can call you friend, pastor, mentor, and colleague. You are brave in your honesty with those that you care about. I spoke with you tonight and had not read this blog yet. I want to let everyone know of the immense pain that you are in, and the inner struggle that you are fighting. First know that you are not alone…not ever, not for one minute. God has not abandonned you. Sometimes in our struggles, our temptations, it is easier to toss aside God and say that He has abandonned us because we don’t want to face God or talk to God about what is really going on. But God knows you….you are HIS. He will not let one sheep stray from the flock…he knows where you are, he is looking for you, searching, and He will not rest until you are safe again. And by you reaching out to me and to your congregation, you are reaching out to GOD, asking for help….and we will help you. We are a family of God and as you have helped us, we are here for you dear April. I love you, and you are not alone.